Why am I being judged because I spend time on the Internet?

It really pisses me off that I am often getting judged because of the amount of time I spend on the Internet.
Does smoking pot or being a drug addict make you a better person than me because you are obviously way “too busy” doing those things to be on the Internet?

I am a social drinker, I don’t smoke, I don’t gamble, I do not like shopping, I don’t have expansive tastes and I don’t mind buying my clothes at Target. I have many friends online & offline and I am a very loyal friends, always there when needed.

But I love playing video games, I love building websites and I love browsing the Internet. Does this make me a bad person? Does this make me a bad mother because my son seems to be like me?

We first got the Internet in 1997. My ex-husband was spending the most time on the Internet. I guess his thirst for wanting to know everything was fulfilled by browsing the Internet all night. I was mainly using it for Internet Banking and anything else that would make my life easier, I just love technology and anything that can simplify some tasks.

But as my marriage deteriorated, I found myself more and more on the Internet and learnt how to build websites and make money. He was working 24/7. I was living a bit far away from my friends, only one a car, 2 very young children. I was not allowed to work. As long as I looked after our 2 children, his 2 children from his first marriage, clean the house and cook, that is all it mattered to my ex and he would be at work nearly 24/7. Though I was also looking after his business accounts. I had taken computerized bookkeeping course and a tax course so I knew what I was doing. But “being at work” has always been his priority before any of us.

I felt so sick one morning, I was still able to go to the mall with my 2 kids, my son was still so young at the time. I felt worse when I got back but could not get hold of my (ex)husband so finally decided to call a friend. As soon as she saw me, she decided to drive me to the doctor who told her to get me to the emergency right now. By that time I was completely out of it but I can still remember the doctor saying with his Chinese accent “you sure you have private health insurance because medicine for you very very expensive”. I had a pneumonia and stayed a week in hospital.

I have been living in Australia for 15 years and all I know is the Sunshine Coast. I had friends from France who came to Australia for a visit and they saw more of Australia in 6 months than I have in 15 years! I went to Sydney for the first time in 2008!

He then decided to leave me and the kids. I then became a single mother. (Mind you, he had somebody else waiting for him, but that is another story).

Most of my (ex)husband’s family live in Australia. One of his Aunt even moved to the Sunshine Coast, 40mn away from us. The rest of his family is a couple of hours away if that. But the day we separated the first time, it was like getting a divorce from them too and they forgot we even existed. Not that I care personally but I thought it was unfair to my children. But I was not surprised. The family refused to get to know my step-daughter (his daughter) because she was not speaking French. I always thought it was the lamest excuse ever. Her brother speaks a perfect French and he has been the center of the family, especially for my ex’s Grand-parents so they could not careless for the non French speaking sister.

My daughter was very well looked after by the family since we spent all our weekends there and every birthday and whatever else was on… She was the only baby in the family at the time. His family never drove to us -except for the birthday of the children where I had to cook a full course meal (we had to keep up with French traditions)- we would drive to them.

Sometimes I have to stop and reflect on what my children could be feeling. Not that I am trying to give them excuses for some of their actions. But how does it feel in a child’s mind to know that you have family just 40 minutes away who can’t even be bothered to call or even send you a birthday card? My daughter today is lucky if I can afford one birthday present for her when she used to get a full room of presents from us and the family ( and I know some kids don’t get any at all but that is not the point here). We used to take lots of pictures and filmed everything and for some reasons, my son always used to watch the movies so it was like a reminder for us all. Come to think of it now, maybe I should have put away those movies. My kids always got upset when there was a family day at school like a Grand-Parents day. They only had my parents, who would say “we would be there if we were not on the other side of the World”.

My son loves his video games. And yes he got addicted to xbox live when he first joined but he got over it and at least that gave his father something to care about and act upon. But that was nothing to compare with what my kids and I had to go through when their father and his other son where addicted to drug for years… My son is also very much an outdoor kid so as much as he likes his video games, he also loves his outdoor adventures and manages the two very well. My daughter, step-daughter and I have always been addicted to The Sims 2 PC game and we used to fight to get each a turn on the computer. My son loved the game too but would rarely get a turn on the computer. We play games, we spend time on the Internet but we also do things with our friends.

The problem with people is that because they don’t like something, they will not try to understand others but they will automatically judge another’s actions. And of course there is the bad publicity from the media as always… But the fact is whatever we do should not even be anyone’s concerns as long as it satisfies us, as long as we don’t harm anyone else or ourselves. And please stop underestimating us.

I met JAG on a social network site. I was very upset about just losing my job at the time through unfair dismissal and a lot of other things were going on at the moment. Our friendship was instant and JAG & I used to spend hours playing video games online (me in Australia, him in the U.S.A) and talking through Skype every single day. From a simple online friendship, it grew to a very involved relationship after we met in real life back in October 2008. And I call it an “involved relationship” because of the big, big ocean in between us and different timezones to keep up with.

But playing video games, talking to my boyfriend oversea everyday and spending time on the Internet has not stopped my from finding a new job, going to work everyday, going out and doing things with my kids and friends. Every time my friends called to do something, I was always up for it. Another thing is the fact that I was a single mother, with a pay check that covered mainly the rent and no child support and so had a tight budget. I never complained about it, it was just the way it was. I did not have a full fridge because my kids would just waste the food or what was supposed to last a week would be gone in 2 days. So I decided I was better offer buying food everyday which was not a big deal since we lived just being the supermarket. But for some… empty looking fridge = not feeding the kids.

But today is a different story. My mother always say I act on impulse, I don’t stop to think and I don’t listen to advise. She is right.

I am stuck in another country where I am not allowed to work and I don’t know anyone close by. So all I do at the moment is cook, clean, exercise, play video games, browse the Internet and blog to try to make enough money to live on. For some it sounds very appealing but let me tell you that it is not always easy and at times I feel very lonely and down. I miss my children and friends very much. But this is the price I have to pay for a chance to be with the man I love.

The story has been cut short for this post as there are many other factors involved but this is what happened after a phone call with my ex-husband, I just had to rant.