November 27

1 comments

Overwhelming mixed feelings

By Prisqua

November 27, 2008

depression, emotional, emotions, feelings, London, moving, overwhelming, sick, USA

I have been feeling very depressed since have been back from the States.  First I was sick for  a couple of days but then it hit me hard and became very emotional. I was being overwhelmed by a mixture of feelings and just did not know how to cope with them and for some of it i was just kicking myself…

I don’t regret my trip, it was the best thing ever!  I met some fantastic people – especially one who has made my world – and I had SO much fun!  But I suppose traveling that much in such a big country I never really got a chance to stop & breathe a little bit.  It was like I was on the run for 17 days, going from one city to another, trying to follow a schedule, meeting people , I never even got a chance to suffer jet lag I was so busy. I knew I had only 17 days and a lot had been planned and everything had to fit in those 17 days so the show had to go on!  Though I was able to take the occasional 4pm nap.

Friends thought I was suffering from post-holiday blues.  Then some realized it looked a bit more serious than that. I was staying in my room, did not want to see anyone offline and online… Crying all the time… I am sure glad to be surrounded by very exceptional people who have been so patient with me and so supportive.

I came back to a house where furniture had been moved around… I mean there is a difference between cleaning and moving my furniture around!  I just do not like the fact that some people think it is ok to change things around just because they are staying in my home for a while…

Then I was told the bad news: xbox 360, my old laptop and mp3 had been stolen so now i do not go out of the house without my laptop and double checking that all doors are locked and still I am so worried when not home that I’d rather stay home and do not waste time out.

I came back to the never ending dramas of my 13 years old daughter…  It is more than dramas but i don’t want to talk about it.  I know I have never been a really good mother, somehow i don’t think motherhood was meant for me but that is ok, I can take the blame.  I just hope she will come out soon enough of whatever world she is in at the moment, back to the reality of life.

When i was 17 and in London, I called Mother and asked her to organize my passport so that I could go to America.  That was a long time ago and ended up in Australia instead. So I was really proud to finally achieve my goal when i landed in the USA.

A friend said to me: “Remember Prisqua, you were on holiday, it is always different than actually living there.”  And I know that.  But packing up and moving around is just a thing I used to do and loved to do. I felt free,  I did not have to explain myself to anyone, I basically whatever I felt like, going places to places…  Yes it was a holiday… but when i moved to London – and i knew no one there, I was 17 and went on my own, it was hard, but I would re-do it anytime. I fell in love with London when I went there on holiday for one week twice with school.

My grand-mother passing away.  My sister getting in touch with me after 10 years of silence.  My parents trying to track me down…

There was also the little drama that happened on my last day in the USA, even though I have put it behind me, it hurt and still gave me something to reflect on. There was the thinking I was able to do while driving, the little chats I had with a close friend since we spent so much time together… and brought up a few things I had to also reflect on… I had to resolve an issue with another of my closest friend.

There is just so many things going on in my head at the moment and since i have been back.  It has been full on.  And there are still so many things i am confused about…

Until next time, have fun & keep smiling

🙂

Prisqua

About the author

Coffee in the mornings is a must! I hunt and shoot aliens as therapy a few hours every day. Work sometimes demands that I tweet, Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram. I never leave home without my 5 inch stilettos, iPhone and of course a possible good story.

  • I am sorry that you are feeling bad. Has anyone told you that they loved you today? Well I do, maybe that will make you feel better. America is a great country. If I did not live here, I would miss it too. I just hope that you feel better, this is the first time visiting your blog. Have a wonderful day

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